when hard seasons seem to have no end

(Photo credit;  Lee Orr)

A wise friend once said, “When things get hard, I remind myself: I can do anything for a season.”

This particular friend works in the church, and has realized over the last decade that while ministry is a marathon, not all sections of the course look alike.  Sometimes just as you turn the corner out of a smooth, downhill cruise, the route hits a hill… and the ascent can be brutal.  But every hill has a peak.  You power up the slope knowing that once it’s conquered, there’s light on the edge of that proverbial horizon.

That seems to be what I keep telling myself. 

I don’t doubt the wisdom and truth in my friend’s mantra.  It’s absolutely necessary to remember that sometimes a hard project, a new challenge, or a busy season are going to require us to buckle down and work hard for a time, harder than our normal pace of life. 

But what happens if we let that breakneck pace and uphill grind become our new normal?  When we succeed in the seasons of challenge (even if the process includes suffering), it feels good to know that we’re capable of that level of performance, of conquering something difficult.  We develop self-efficacy and we thrive on it. 

I’ve run six half marathons so far.  My fifth was the Seattle Half at the end of last November.  Halfway through Mile 7, after a long, flat stretch, the course took an uphill turn to head from Lake Washington back over and into downtown.  Many took a break to walk at this point, but for some reason, I leaned in and took the climb without breaking pace.  I wasn’t actually sure I could make it, but I pushed past the crowd and finally crested the top of the first long hill.  And it felt amazing.  It was painful, I was gasping—but I killed it.  Endorphin explosion.  From that point on, I found myself eager, anticipating the next hill like a sane person looks forward to a vacation.  Every time the road would rise, I was ready to take it, even picking up my speed, passing all the lazy walkers in all my sweaty, exhausted glory.   

That kind of high can be addicting.  It was rewarding to know I could do it, so I wanted to do it.  But what if we let that achievement (read: “season”) become the new expectation on our lives?  You can do it, so you should do it, you have to do it.      

…Does this sound familiar to anyone else? 

I’m in a season—a very long season it seems—of busyness and grind.  I’m a student, I work a full-time job, I’m married, and I sometimes like to actually have friends.  Tackle on hours of homework and reading, a few helpless prayers, and three cups a coffee a day and you’re left with an average of 6 hours and 13 minutes of sleep per weeknight (according to my Fitbit).  The endorphins are wearing off.    

Here’s the thing… I don’t mean to sound like I’m complaining.  I CHOSE this.  And honestly, it’s because of my inability to let go of “achievement”—all those things I know I’m capable of doing—that what I’m consequently letting go of is rest.  The result:  an unsustainable lifestyle.  A never-ending uphill sprint. 

All of the things I listed (minus the lack of sleep) are good things.  I just have a hard time discerning which are the better things and which need to take a back seat.  Work is not life.  School is not life.  I want more time to spend with my husband, moments to break open my Bible, and the freedom to sit with God and DO NOTHING, just BE.

I’ve been [voluntarily] taken up into a culture that sees, as Brené Brown puts it, “exhaustion as a status symbol and productivity as self-worth.”  Wow.  It sounds so stupid as I say it, and yet I can’t call BS.  That’s exactly what I do. This is not the first time I’ve realized this.  It probably won’t be the last.  But I deeply fear letting what are supposed to be the challenging seasons of my life become the definition of my life. 

It’s one thing to hit the hill running when you need to—we all want to do things well, and have circumstances that will require more from us.  Those are okay.  I can do anything for a season.  But this is a period of time for me when I need to work out what it means and looks like to:

be counter-cultural,

pursue Jesus wholeheartedly,

prioritize my time,

learn to build Sabbath seasons in with the busy ones

so that in the now (not just “in the end”) life can be less about work, and more about the freedom in Christ to rest and play and love.